Movies

Over two consecutive nights, i caught two movies with Kai on DVD.

I was watching “High School Musical” with protagonist Troy Bolton and Grabriella. And then i saw the pianist [couldn't remember her name]… she reminded me so much of Janet, whom i first met at a Sayoni party. Anyway, the film is pretty juvenile… if you like musicals, stick to good stuff like Chicago.

And then there is “Hot Chick”, starring Rob Schneider. Common jokes. But i will give it 3.5 stars out of 5… for all their efforts at trying to promote love, opposite sex and same sex regardless.

IndigNation

IndigNation is something like Singapore’s gay pride-month, where you get activities and talks about queer-related issues.

For a list of their events, go to their official website.

Events by Sayoni.com [Or with its members]

Tong bu tong 2- Another tribe
Wednesday, 6 August 2008, 7:30 pm, at 72-13

Brain surgery- what’s inside the heads of homophobes
Tuesday, 12 August 2008, 7:30, at 72-13

Often ignored: the science of sexual orientation
Wednesday, 13 August 2008, 7:30 pm, at 72-13

Queer women within feminist Singapore
Saturday, 16 August 2008, 7:30 pm, at 72-13

If you are sufficiently interested to appear at talks “brain surgery” or “science of sexual orientation”, you will catch me speaking. Other than the above events, i will definitely be attending several others [such as My wife, my kids by SgButterfly].

Rant

Why don’t local stores have Vienna Teng’s CDs?

Tila Tequila II

… ended really badly. [I happened to sit in with Kai who was having it on.]

So Tila chose Kristy over Bo… but Kristy rejected the key because she’s not sure.
Now… I wonder what Kristy is doing on the show when she’s not sure about women?
Isn’t it screaming obvious that the show is all about 30 peeps trying to get Tila as a romantic partner?
The show is about TILA. Not a time for you to figure out your sexuality.

Can you imagine if all the supposedly straight men on the show start wondering if they are gay or if the lesbian women on the show start questioning their sexuality? The show would be a complete flop! And this is the reason why Kristy shouldn’t be in the show!

I don’t really care if the show is real or not. But even as a fictional movie, i would like a decent ending. Not some cock-up like Kristy… whom in my opinion shouldn’t even have her nose in from the start. If you get on the game show, you know the rules to play by! Full stop. [Are you dumb or are you dumb?] The mud slinging in the last episode is totally uncalled for.

If you are wondering whether you should be [behaviorally] bisexual or straight, get off the show~!

*I am not a fan of Tila Tequila. But the folks who had extreme sympathies for the “rejects”, remember the other shows like “The bachelor”. This is a game show and you know before hand that ONLY ONE stands at the end. Which means that the rest will be “rejects”. And all who took part knew this from the start. If they didn’t believe they had a chance to be a reject, they are either too full of themselves or delusional. So why boo at Tila for “breaking” their hearts? She had to for the game to go on!

Rejection hurts… whatever the reason.

I am down with influenza… right after the hospital trip i made on Saturday. Even as i sit and type, i am producing all things green- green mucus and green phlegm. [Eeek.]

A straight friend of mine attempted to snuff out her life because of parental rejection.
Eh?- you may wonder- Why straight and rejected?
Because her parents are antiquated in mentality.
Born in China, raised in Hong Kong and Singapore, the only child of extremely traditional parents is now a teacher in the civil service. Acquainted with her spouse to be, also a teacher in the ministry, through the SDU’s dating site, the two were supposed to be married a couple of years back. [They are together for 4 years now.]

Unfortunately, her parents were angry that she did not seek their consent before falling in love… and did not seek their consent before agreeing to his marriage proposal. [What kind of an era are we living in?!] To them it’s disrespect not to acquire permission to fall in love. Along with these expectations, i had the privilege to sit in to her session with the in-house psychologist… and got to know things i never knew. How oppressive her parents were, controlling down to the T. You have to bathe, finish your food, sleep by a certain time… [mind you, my friend is going to hit 30 years of age in a few years] You can’t watch TV serials and you got to be home by 10pm. I knew her parents were strict… but this “strict”? Eventually they threw her out of the house, by confiscating her keys. Told her she’s on her own now. And indeed she is, for all her relatives are not in the country.

Half a year down the road to last week, she decided that maybe life is not worth living. When she was in the hospital, her mother-in-law to be sobbed when i commented that at least she is loved by her in-laws. The lady in her fifties said she has never seen parents like that. All SMS were ignored, with the exception of the final one asking if they would visit her. The message to say that she was hospitalized was met with harshness. Even a call from in-laws was met with sarcasm.

As i was scrolling through the 18 messages long SMS, tapping on whatever Chinese i have left in my proficiency, i was amazed at how strikingly similar her dad and my mum are. Her dad is worse though! I am convinced that in such exchanges, parents like to say that they are hurt beyond repair… and it doesn’t matter whether you are hurt or not because their feelings are priority. Her father believed that her attempt was to forcibly push them into accepting her behavior. [Similarly, my mum thinks i am trying to push her into accepting my sexuality through my last outburst.] Sometimes i think they are trying to evade responsibility for what they have indirectly contributed to. So they “counter-attack” by making an accusation on you.

The message went on to say how they had planned for a good life for her but she had chosen the off-beaten track. And thus, she has to face the “consequences” on her own- to my bewilderment and hers. For the only unhappy event in her life… is her parents’ rejection. The “consequences” were their cold shoulders and vitriolic because she hadn’t done things their way. If this is not tyranny under the guise of “this is all for your good”, i don’t know what is. It’s a good life she’s having… drawing a salary that is high for the few years she has been in the profession, acquiring a respectable partner, possessing decent friends… and gotten a house. If you ask me, she’s progressing the way most heterosexuals want to: being parents with combined salary of at least 10K, a decent home with kids.

Rejection from the family hurts… no matter the reason behind it. Is the focus on the family just another structure to keep you “in place” and “under control”?

Sweet-nothings

As i was on my way to lala-land last night…

“In my wildest dreams, i never thought i could have a girlfriend like you.” - Kai

Vienna Teng

… is totally mesmerizing~ I am so getting her CD!!!

Listen to City Hall on youtube. By far my favorite… it talks about gay marriages.

me and my baby on a february holiday
’cause we got the news
yeah, we got the news
500 miles and we’re gonna make it all the way
we’ve got nothing to lose
we’ve got nothing to lose

it’s been 10 years waiting
but it’s better late than the never
we’ve been told before
we can’t wait one minute more

oh, me and my baby driving down
to a hilly seaside town in the rainfall
oh, me and my baby stand in line
you’ve never seen a sight so fine
as the love that’s gonna shine
at city hall

me and my baby’ve been through
a lot of good and bad
learned to kiss the sky
made our momma’s cry
I’ve seen a lot of friends
after giving it all they had
lay down and die
lay down and die

10 years into it
here’s our window
at the vegas drive-thru chapel
it ain’t too much
for ‘em all to handle

oh, me and my baby driving down
to a hilly seaside town in the rainfall
oh, me and my baby stand in line
you’ve never seen a sight so fine
as the love that’s gonna shine
at city hall

outside, they’re handing out
donuts and pizza pies
for the folks in pairs in the folding chairs
my baby’s lookin’ so damned pretty
with those anxious eyes
rain-speckled hair
and my ring to wear

10 years waiting for this moment of fate
when we say the words and sign our names
if they take it away again someday
this beautiful thing won’t change

oh, me and my baby driving down
to a hilly seaside town in the rainfall
oh, me and my baby stand in line
you’ve never seen a sight so fine
as the love that’s gonna shine

oh, me and my baby driving down
to a hilly seaside town in the rainfall
oh, me and my baby stand in line
you’ve never seen a sight so fine
as the love that’s gonna shine
at city hall

And then there’s Homecoming.

It’s desert ice outside but this diner has thawed my ears
Hot coffee in a clean white mug and a smile when the waitress hears
That I was born in North Carolina
Not an hour from her home town
And we used to play the same pizza parlor pinball

And there’s a glance in time suspended as I wonder how it is
We’ve been swept up just by circumstance to where the coyote lives
Where my days are strips of highway
And she’s wiping tables down
Holding on and still waiting for that windfall

But I’ve come home
Even though I’ve never had so far to go
I’ve come home

I pay the check and leave the change from a crumpled ten-dollar bill
Head across the street where VACANCY is burning in neon still
Well the night eats up my body heat
And there’s no sign of another
And I find myself slipping down into that black

But things are good I’ve got a lot of followers of my faith
I’ve got a whole congregation living in my head these days
And I’m preaching from the pulpit
To cries of “Amen brother”
Closing my eyes to feel the warmth come back

And I’ve come home
Even though I swear I’ve never been so alone
I’ve come home

I just want to be living as I’m dying
Just like everybody here
Just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
And I don’t know where I’m driving to
But I know I’m getting old
And there’s a blessing in every moment every mile

Thin white terry bars of soap and a couple little plastic cups
Old Gideons Bible in the nightstand drawer saying “Go on open up”
Well I’ll kneel down on the carpet here
Though I never was sure of God
Think tonight I’ll give Him the benefit of the doubt

I switch off the lights and imagine that waitress outlined in the bed
Her hair falling all around me
I smile and shake my head
Well we all write our own endings
And we all have our own scars
But tonight I think I see what it’s all about

Because I’ve come home
I’ve come home

Finally, there’s Nothing Without You.

It’s the quiet night that breaks me
I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place
It’s the quiet night that breaks me
like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace
All my books are lying useless now
All my maps will only show me how to lose my way

Oh call my name
You know my name
And in that sound, everything will change
Tell me it won’t always be this hard
I am nothing without you
but I don’t know who you are

It’s the crowded room that breaks me
everybody looks so luminous
and strangely young
It’s the crowded room that’s never heard
no one here can say a word of my native tongue
I can’t be among them anymore
I fold myself away before it burns me numb

Oh call my name
You know my name
And in your love, everything will change
Tell me it won’t always be this hard
I am nothing without you
but I don’t know who you are

I am nothing without you
but I don’t know who you are
I am nothing without you…

Gay Tolerant vs. Gay Accepting

What’s the difference between gay tolerant and gay accepting?

There are straight people who tell you they are gay tolerant… and are very proud of it. Because that sets them apart from homophobes, to a “higher” class of diplomats. “We are not bloodthirsty bigots!” Nonetheless, being gay tolerant is not being gay accepting.

Being gay tolerant means allowing the existence of gay people and their gender preferences without hindrance.

Which doesn’t say very much, given that it takes lots of motivation to pick out gay people and impose rules on them… something which most people do not do [it takes quite a bit of effort and commitment- just look at the anti-gay groups]. Which means a “gay tolerant” person can jolly well be homophobic… but nonchalant. In other words, “bo-chup”.

Gay accepting means receiving the gay person’s gender preference with respect.

That means you respect her/his choice of relationship partners. Some inconsistent reparative therapy websites start off with “we respect gay people”, and go on to talk about loving the gay person but changing the gayness of the person. This is deliberate confusion of the layperson’s understanding of “respect” with gay-acceptance. No, they are not respecting gay people! They are taking away gay people’s right to love.

It’s like your child is given a natural flair for music.

The anti-gay person would stop the child from playing music altogether. “No more musical instruments! No more CDs! No more tuning in to the radio! And don’t you even dare draw musical notes!”… and maybe cut off a couple of fingers to prevent the child from ever playing music [invasive reparative therapy]… which of course has the unintended effect of weakening the child’s flair at sports or other activities.

The gay-tolerant person would simply say, “I don’t think music helps you very much… in fact, i think it might affect your academics a little if you spend time on music… but it’s what you like so… whatever…”

The gay-accepting person would say, “Well darling, you like this instrument? … Let’s see how the instrument sounds like… This instrument may be tougher to master…” This person also provides a non-judgmental and encouraging listening ear when the child falls in her/his musical path and shares the child’s joy in her/his peaks.

If you respect the child, you will respect her/his natural inclination. Not try to snuff it out or go against it.

When you go for therapy, do not opt for gay-tolerant counselors if you are very upset/distressed. If you want to recover, go to gay-affirmative therapists. Because gay-tolerant counselors may not provide you with the affirmation you need… you may be left wandering. Sometimes the presentation of facts or alternative perspectives will not help you. For instance, we all know the existence of ex-gays… but that will not help you to recover [unless you are such an enthusiast to dig up all their stuff to read and possess the appropriate analytical skills to critique].

So are you tolerant or accepting?

Moving-On Letters

I went for a first session at counseling and care center yesterday… and in relating the two incidents, i found some details fuzzy [like what exactly was i thinking]… and the emotions, though muted, have not completely gone away [i know exactly how i was feeling though]. I will probably need to bring my diaries or my blog posts for the next time, although i realized that words do not overflow at my most upset. The records were penned at least a day late.

I am giving myself two weeks to finish writing 2 letters- one for each of my parents. My Dad is absolutely clueless and baffled as to what became of his daughter weeks ago and how it came about. And i thought it would be good to fill him in. He has always been suspecting but was never motivated sufficiently to confront me about it… and certainly wasn’t distressed about it. So, it’s a coming out letter.

My Mum is most likely under the impression that i disappeared because i didn’t want to help her with anything anymore. And to allow her to understand the gravity of what happened verbally is futile because she doesn’t believe that a well-functioning person for a lifetime could be taken so low by mere words alone. In her own words, “I didn’t do anything.” So, a black and white copy of what transpired is much better… for her to mull over my statements… instead of disregarding it at first sound.

She, the counselor, asked me what i was hoping the letters would do. Well, to get us out of this stagnant spot and move on. It is true i don’t know what “move on” means… is it for better or for worse? Will i be thrown out or embraced with love? No matter what moving on means, i think clarifying erroneous assumptions is the first step. With a clearer grasp of the situation at hand, they are then able to make decisions based on understanding. At least i can say that the decision they made is how they want to deal with my sexuality. They have a right to do whatever they wish [with the exception of physical harm].

There’s a new saga from my sister… another string of smses i didn’t blog about. I was convinced that she missed me and was pissed that she wasn’t considered part of “home”. It’s not that she isn’t… it’s just that her school work and project work keep her away from home most of the time and i don’t see her much. On the other hand, my mum is home 90% of the time i am there. Thankfully, i can still catch up with sis outside [though when this little procrastinator is ever gonna get back to me about the movie outing is another matter]. At this point, we are happily reconciled.

There… more uncertainties…

Online Shopping…

… can be such a disaster.

I happened to see peonydreams on facebook. It’s a Korean fashion online shop.
And i saw this knee-length dress. My, doesn’t it look princessy? Totally worth it at S$40.

So darling Kai arranged a fund-transfer to a private POSB bank account and the dress was mailed in a few days. Very quick.

Unfortunately, the dress didn’t turn out princessy… much to my disappointment.

First of all, the inner lining was too short- it was barely covering half my butt! Given the translucent external floral layer, even me wouldn’t want to be parading around town [or even the neighborhood mall] in this dress without pants. [And this dress will not look pretty with a pair of jeans.]
Secondly, i found a hole where the floral fabric connects with the middle black band. The material is so flimsy… it was sewn in barely a few mm!
Thirdly, the seams are… awful. The collar seams were out of line… on the right side at the back and down the front as well. And i am ANAL about seams… because it’s the basic thing on a piece of garment. The worst seams on the piece: the tag indicating brand “YBF2″ at the back was sewn over repeatedly and haphazardly.

Picture: back collar with awful tag line circled in red.

Okay, you can tell how horrified i was.

Poor workmanship… and to think i was planning to buy more stuff from this online store~!
[Before you roll your eyes, remember that i have owned dozens of dresses. Any dress above $25 has no excuse for poor workmanship.]

If any of you had wonderful experiences with other online stores selling pretty dresses, please introduce them to me. I couldn’t find dresses i like in the malls these days…

Lamb Story

There’s a lamb with glittering black wool…
A PRIZED lamb is she.
She frisks…
and she prances
and does huge “n”s across the meadows,
clicking her hooves together as she leaps into the air.

Much loved is this PRIZED lamb,
And this little lamb loves much.
She would feed on lush green grass,
contented one…
Drink from clear still waters
and play from dawn to dusk.

One day she saw a blue cotton cover blown over;
A dirty cotton hanky from long long ago…
Not happy that some other “entered” her field,
She stamped her little hooves
Went “Meeh~” in distress.
[Which means: "Am i less loved?"]

It nibbled and chewed at the hanky…
Sulked in the corner of the field.
She lost her frisk and glow for a while…
Till she was cuddled, kissed and told…
Why should a cotton hanky from long ago
make a PRIZED lamb unhappy so?

Mahjong

Picture taken from here.

I finally attempted a game of mahjong on Friday night with Kai’s parents. After a home-cooked meal for 4, we settled down to the table in the living room and started to arrange the tiles. It’s hilarious… Being new to the game, i have to count the number of bamboos and the number of dots! And i have to count aloud just so i wouldn’t be confused. [Ya, laugh at me...]

As for now, i am still a little confused about the direction of counting from the dice first thrown and the direction in which the game is to go after that. Clockwise… then counter-clockwise?

Focus on the Family

A posting on Signel.
Focus on the Family is an anti-gay group from the West. Talk about Western influences… Anyway, this article is worth a read.

> Focus Expands Ex-Gay Campaign to Asia
> Posted on November 30th, 2003 by Mike Airhart
>
> Focus on the Family extended its ex-gay political campaign
> to Singapore late
> last week with seminars marketing ³recovery therapy.² And
> already the lead
> speaker faces professional criticism for misstating his
> training and
> credentials.
>
> The Focus on the Family campaign consisted of several
> seminars.
>
> A three-hour seminar for ³Christian professionals² titled
> ³Preventing
> Homosexuality² is described as follows:
>
> Homosexuality ­ Is it learned, biological S or both?
> Many would have us
> believe that nothing can be done to foster the development
> of healthy
> heterosexual orientation in children. But clinical evidence
> and experience
> indicate otherwise.
>
> This seminar aims to help concerned educators and youth
> workers uncover
> the most significant factors that contribute to children¹s
> healthy sense of
> themselves as male or female, and provides clear insight
> and practical
> knowledge for identifying potential developmental
> roadblocks and detecting
> early warning signs of homosexuality.
>
> The workshop description begins with false assertions about
> the mainstream
> health community¹s findings on development of orientation,
> then proceeds to
> sell the workshop to educators and youth workers without
> specifying what
> ³clinical evidence,² ³factors² and ³warning signs²
> will be promoted. To find
> out whether the workshop consists of sound peer-reviewed
> information or
> quackery, educators and youth workers are expected to
> subsidize Focus on the
> Family to the tune of S$50 per person.
>
> Another, all-day workshop titled ³Caring for Homosexuals²
> exhibits a clear
> intent to manipulate health science to serve a political
> and religious goal
> of ³change,² not to treat a person according to the
> individual¹s unique
> circumstances and health needs:
>
> This full-day training aims to equip psychologists,
> social workers,
> professional counselors, and others in the helping
> profession with the
> necessary framework and skills to guide homosexuals towards
> an understanding
> and recognition of their condition so to encourage and
> facilitate change.
>
> Focus on the Family offers the following profile of its
> main speaker, Melvin
> W. Wong (Google search):
>
> Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D
> Licensed Clinical Psychologist, California, USA
>
> The Speaker has been in private practice in San
> Francisco and Fremont
> for over 15 years, dealing mainly in the areas of family,
> forensic and
> neuropsychology. Bilingual, bi-literate and bicultural, Dr.
> Wong has
> published more than thirty articles and research reports
> about mental health
> in English and Chinese and spoken in the US, Canada,
> England, Australia,
> Hong Kong, Taipei and Singapore. His 20 years of
> cross-cultural experience
> spans clinical psychology, counseling, psychiatry, therapy
> and teaching. He
> was appointed assistant professor of psychiatry at the
> University of
> California, San Francisco, School of Medicine and attending
> psychologist at
> the San Francisco General Hospital in-patient psychiatric
> unit.
>
> Six years ago, Dr. Wong began to take a keen interest
> in Gender Issues
> and Homosexuality and has since been actively engaged in
> recovery therapy
> for homosexuals. He is affiliated to the National
> Association for Research
> and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). He is married for 20
> years and has a
> 15-year-old daughter.
>
> Neither Focus on the Family¹s profile nor the
> psychologist¹s own online
> profile mention where Wong obtained his education, nor do
> they indicate any
> clinical training or certification in treating
> same-sex-attracted
> individuals. In fact, a professional group warns that
> Wong¹s college was
> unaccredited and that his teaching ties to the University
> of California-San
> Francisco are far weaker than Focus on the Family implies.
>
> Nevertheless, Exodus International refers Californians and
> Pacific islanders
> to him.
>
> Wong is not the only speaker for the seminar series. The
> Focus on the
> Family/Singapore web site links to PDF files listing panels
> of additional
> speakers.
>
> The speakers for the seminar for Christian professionals
> include Focus on
> the Family/Canada president Darrel Reid (Google search) and
> Singapore
> constitutional law scholar Thio Li-Ann (Google search). The
> seminar¹s PDF
> brochure reveals a partisan political motive behind the
> seminar:
>
> A liberal view of homosexuality actually harms our
> families, churches,
> schools, businesses, government and the media. The truth is
> that people can
> escape from the bondage of homosexuality ­ it is both
> preventable and
> treatable.
>
> An evening forum for ³Pastors, Elders and Lay Leaders²
> promises to ³deal
> honestly and compassionately with homosexuality from
> various perspectives
> while presenting a biblical basis for better understanding
> its causes and
> conditions.² But despite the claim to offer various
> perspectives, the
> speakers appear to be antigay evangelicals: Wong, Reid,
> Victor Roh of
> Nanyang Technological University, and author/lecturer Tom
> Harvey.
>
> Strangely, a Google search for Victor Roh turns up nothing
> relating to
> homosexuality. And the staff directory for NTU does not
> even list Roh. Are
> Roh¹s credentials as wobbly as Wong¹s?

“Love is never wrong”

… that depends on how you define it.

Love, Obligation-driven. Love, Invasion of privacy. Love, The “love” intention justifies the course of action taken. Love, Obsession. Love, Possession. Love, Incomplete acceptance*.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Read this line off somebody’s profile and immediately i thought of how it has been abused to suit one’s agenda.

*Incomplete acceptance is frequently disguised as “loving the sinner, hating the sin”. It can hurt you when you least expect it, because you don’t guard your heart against “friends” and others who claim they “love” you or “care” for you.

Honeymoon…

… doesn’t happen in the beginning.
It happens after 1.5 years…

AFTER you have discovered how each other responds over a variety of situations, gotten used to these responses, thrash out the issues [thrash out ≠ resolved] and if you can still endure being a few feet of each other, honeymoon starts.

Then heaven comes down for a long while… hiccups may send you out of the pearly gates… but that’s really when you get to be in heaven-earth-heaven.

That’s why i don’t understand it when people say they honeymoon in the beginning. Maybe i ask/probe too much right from the start, wanting to know as much as i can about my partner. It’s like starting from ground zero, where reality is… and slowly you think you can supersede the common/natural and do the impossible.