Choices

Sometimes having no choice is a pretty good situation to be in. As long as your current circumstances are decent. Most people go through life with hardly any choices in specific areas of their life. It is the chief reason for stability.

You don’t have to think.
You don’t have to shoulder responsibility for decision-making.
You don’t waste time analyzing things to bits.
You don’t ever rock the boat.

Because you have no choice.

Nice.

 

Dear you, I am ready.

Dear you,

If what i heard is true, then I want you to know this:
Don’t feel guilty towards me.

I don’t hate you. Neither do i dislike you.
I do not hold grudges against you. The precipitating circumstances under which things occurred were understandable.

It’s just that i couldn’t rein in the emotional with the logical. I didn’t talk much to you nor pick up your attempt at conversation some years ago because i had too much emotional baggage. These are things that i had to work through.

I wanna discard these emotional hindrances and move on.

I think i am ready.

 

 

Small matters

A fellow knitting mate destined to return to Australia left a bunch of magazines with a mutual friend. And this friend was tasked to pass them to me. However, i wasn’t around to receive it, so she left it at the guard house of where i was staying. The guards later claimed they never received it. The friend declared she left it at the right residence.

I can’t believe that i am thinking about this small matter.

If i let it go (remain status quo), would knitting mate be upset?
If i don’t let it go (hunt the magazines down), how much hassle or ill-will is that going to create?

Small matters. Why do i need to think about you…

Coming Out Guide

Over dinner, she mentioned being told that the coming out guide (COG) was not well-designed and had poor editing. The person also went on to conclude that it is not impactful. And she was affected by it.

When i first set out to do the COG, i wasn’t thinking of an art piece or an extremely well-written book with perfect English. I was thinking about providing information that would help those who are coming out, together with references. And tools that help them think about myths and critique claims. These are the objectives of the book.

I am thankful to the contributing writers who took time (and what a lot of time!) to write, read and comment. The editor had the hardest job of all. Re-reading something repeatedly is a pain in the ass. I didn’t even want to read the book after i decided the content is okay! Without the editor, things would be worse off. As long as the book is readable and understandable (that includes ‘not replete with grammatical errors’), i am happy. I am more concerned about the content more than anything else.

For those of you who are displeased with the design of the book… fly a kite.
… Oops.
I mean… write, design and disseminate another COG. The more COGs we have that are credible, the better it is for struggling folks. Self-help books, the bible and what not come in different versions anyway.

Let’s just say that the design of the book made the content more accessible. That’s the first step – being able to read it. Not everyone likes reading journal articles, where words crawl like ants for miles at a font size of 8. (I was, at first, quite inclined to put readers through it. But i have since converted.) With the amount we were able to spare (which is just a few hundred out of our pockets), the images were the best we could have gotten.

As for impact…
If it impacts one person positively… if it can clear the confusion in one person’s mind… if it can save one person from being beaten up at school one time, i wouldn’t have called the efforts wasted. Because even one person matters. Even one episode of homophobic attack matters.

Now that’s not to say i don’t care about grammatical errors or other annoying stuff. There’s a version 2 we have in mind. Please do point out section, page, paragraph if you see such annoying stuff. If you see any erroneous information, alert us immediately. After all, if you cared sufficiently to read the book and to tell us it’s impactful or not, i would assume that you are acting as a watchdog for the benefit of readers right?

Yes, we need more editors (why overload one unfortunate soul).
And yes we can do with more writers.
And yes, we can have more designers.
So please volunteer your superior services to our community (have a heart for those fumbling with coming out, would you?) for the next help-book.

Ain’t no rose of any prince

I read ‘The Little Prince’ again.

Many parts of it made me laugh. They made a mockery of self-important people. Such as people who need to retain a sense of control. How so many people reason in a circular manner. It makes no sense at all… yet they thought they made plenty of sense.

Then it came to the bit about the little prince and his love affair with the vain rose. He thought she was beautiful and unique (because in his tiny planet, she was the only flower). When he later traveled to earth in a fit (the rose was emotionally manipulative and wasn’t clever enough to pull it off), he discovered thousands of roses and he was disappointed. After all, it’s owning something unique that elevates your *princely* status, isn’t it?

The wise old fox later taught the little prince that his rose is important and unique not because there is only one of her. But because of all the time he wasted on her… watering her, removing caterpillars from her leaves, sheltering her from the cold etc. And since he has ‘tamed’ her (which i read as developing a relationship with her), he is now forever responsible for her. Of such paramount importance was that responsibility, he seek to return to his planet quickly, discarding his body in the process.

Maybe you think the prince having a little rose all to himself is the most romantic thing in the world.

… But it isn’t.

The little prince loves the rose because she happened to come along. The rest of the roses were out of reach (unattainable). It wasn’t anything about her that made him love her. It was the idea of sunk cost. How romantic is that? The taming of the fox follows the same logic. Spending time, developing longing, fulfilling longing, creating memories… which all boils down to spending time. There it is – sunk cost.

I buy the theory – with objects.
When i work on an art piece and give it away, it’s my time and effort that make the gift special. Not because my workmanship is so superb (i do correct mistakes whenever i spot them, but you never know if i missed any).

I don’t buy the theory with people.
This story contradicts my fundamental belief that every person is unique. Whoever i love(d) is unique. I will never find any other same person in the world and beyond. And i am unique. You will never find any other me ever. Each person’s uniqueness made that period of together time special. Therefore, i ain’t no prince’s rose.

And because each person is unique, there is nothing to regret… no matter what bad times there may be. (Yes, i know there are exceptions… but generally, this is true.) The little prince story brought out this last bit of my belief. That memories are a gain from having a relationship. They make the mundane things beautiful.

But i am grappling with the idea that the tamer (wittingly or not) is responsible for the tamed. What if someone happen to appear routinely somewhere because of some other matter and foxES are tamed? What if someone happen to care about plants in general and therefore watered all the roses along the way whenever possible? (*The foxes and roses being unique over here!)

It’s always tender when people give their hearts. Because a heart that truly yearns for you is a fragile one. It’s also an honor when people give you their hearts. Therefore, always tend to such situations with extra care. Nevertheless, the question needs to be answered: just how far does that responsibility go?

Diary Walk: still thinking about relationships

Running through my diaries gave me a concoction of emotions.
I was amused, saddened, horrified, enlightened…

Relationships start exciting.
The longing. The guessing. The pursuit. The biased enlarging of common ground.
Everything is seen through rose-tinted glasses – This is the point where everyone claims they will be able to stomach whatever negative attributes you told them of yourself. [I am serious; these are copied SMSes.]

Some time later, the glasses lost its shade of pink. You begin to see differences. Sometimes it’s a result of overestimating one’s ability to cope with the negative attributes. Sometimes it’s the result of those attributes manifesting itself only some time after the relationship started.

These are so typical. These are what relationship experts wrote about.
I used to think that i would bypass all that guessing by telling would-be partners all my negative attributes [which all of you know]. Then there would be no surprises.
Fat hope.
Knowing in theory is not quite living it. So we are all back to square one. Back to the same cycle of rose-tinted evaluations, happy get-togethers, roughing it out when differences are truly seen etc. If both parties compromise sufficiently and remain happy, they stay together.

You still got me, you typical cycle of romance.

My lamb used to ask me whether i am over my ex if it still upsets me every time i think of her. Maybe i can say i am over her because i won’t ever imagine being with her again. But i always marvel at the pace in which the relationship deteriorated. I know it’s possible… we have seen dramas… but i still ask the same question in disbelief.

I think my idea of relationships is slowly morphing.
It’s not enough to fall in love. Falling in love is the first step, yes. But it’s important what the other partner brings with her. Three things i see as most important: Reconciliation with the self and God, acceptance [or good tolerance] from the family and the ability to do things together. Having the ability to do things together consists of many things like time, financial wherewithal, common interests and physical ability. Having these as a basic foundation facilitates growth of the relationship.

So every time my lamb wonders if i would go away, i would be amused. Because she has so much to offer, and yet she doesn’t know it. Her accepting parents, our living arrangements, the presence of several common interests… all these made things easy. These, combined with being the most romantic lover i ever had, is a potent combination to keep any partner happy.

Grey

Sometimes

It’s only when you are living the grey, that you believe the grey exists.

 

Tips

A guy i didn’t know added me on facebook. Seeing that he is a friend of a friend, i thought i might have missed him out during my stint at the event. There are lots of people after all… so i added him. Only to find out that he didn’t participate.

“Why did you add me?” – I

“Honestly, its due to your picture.” – He

“Oh, i don’t usually look like that. That was a picture taken when i attended my friend’s school-themed wedding. So i was wearing fake eyelashes and actually tamed my hair. I am usually quite messy and don’t do much with myself. Not a good person to ask tips from.”

… What would he think?

Friendships: straight & gay

Having fixed roles for interactions between guys and gals got me into trouble a number of times. As a result of being gay, i don’t approach guys with the idea that they might think i like them. So i chat them up when i am curious about stuff [and i am frequently curious].

My girlfriend told me that i have made some guy uncomfortable… just because i asked him where he was studying, why he was working there, what he usually does at work etc. If you keep passing money to the same person, asking the same person about products available, clarifying availability of slots… wouldn’t you want to know his name? And wouldn’t it be nice to know a little bit more than just a face and a name? Anyway, she attempted to “save” him by giving him reason to flee to his work station. *yawns* Straight people don’t give two hoots about the people around them unless they are interested in getting into their pants? That’s a little hard to fathom. I am friendly. Tough to have platonic friendship with guys when they are so easily startled, isn’t it.

Straight girls make nice friends too. However, their conversational topics revolve around HDB flats, their husbands/boyfriends, children and office politics. These topics are captivating for only so long. I have heard enough “horror kids” stories, husband/boyfriend woes etc. I am aware that there are cooler straight people who live more exciting lives… i just haven’t met that many. On top of that, you need to “click”! One of the best places to make straight girl friends come from common activities. Then again, if it’s activity-based, you wouldn’t know if the friendship is genuine. For most people, the friendship disappears when the glue of common activities dries up. Such friendships are more companion-like in nature… good to have, but not sufficient to make good friends.

This brings me to the next thing: making friends in the community. My lamb asked me why my friends are predominantly gay. The reason is simple: because we have lots to talk about. And no, it’s not about girls. When two gay persons meet, you have the following grand topic immediately: Coming out to self, others and associated difficulties.You don’t need a niche hobby or other specialized interests to click. The perfect conversational topic is readily available. Also, given its sensitivity, such disclosure facilitates bonding effortlessly. However, exposure to gay guys have been little. Probably because the groups i participate in are typically female-centric. How to make more nice gay guy friends?

Last minute changes

I am convinced that some last minute changes are created by God and serve to protect my ass.

Not very PC… but you get the drift.

Long Distance Relationships

My lamb flew off for 11 days. Just a short 11 days. And it made me think about long distance relationships [LDRs].You need an element of difficulty in access to each other before you qualify a relationship as LDR. And when i think of LDR, i consider not just geographical distances. If you see each other less than once a week, it’s pretty much a LDR to me.

Over chit chat with a friend in a LDR, i told her that i don’t want to be in a LDR. Maybe it’s because i am not such a great fan of Skype, MSN or even lengthy phone conversations. As my friends can attest, i didn’t own a Skype account till days ago, have disappeared from MSN and prefer to meet face to face to catch up. So i can’t imagine skype-ing/MSN-ing every other day. As a side note – Skype lags. Pixelated images… make that moving, intermittently missing pixelated images… are an intense annoyance.

I realized there are areas i have not considered when i thought of the role of a partner. It has been pretty simple: someone who makes you happy, seems practical and responsible enough to spend your life with… full stop. I did know that “makes me happy” entails spending time with me, engaging in common activities and so on. But i did not comprehend fully that my mind has a “safety gauge”, in which it turns off the emotional button when my partner is away. I end up feeling detached. Not unattached. Just detached. I am fully aware of the committed relationship i am in, but i don’t feel it. [In case you think it gives me license to stray - it doesn't.] Looks like i am still the same old “cuddle maniac” from years ago, i.e., someone who needs to hold hands, exchange hugs and kisses etc.

So what’s the point of me staying in a LDR if i end up feeling detached? She did mention something about “special connection” between you and your partner. But if your partner doesn’t have a definite return date (or a moving return date), then what’s the difference between having a partner and a best friend? We can “click” with our good friends right…? When i say good friends, i don’t mean people that you hang around in a large group, held together by common activities and usual bantering. I am talking about friends you can hang out one-to-one with, engage in meaningful/insightful conversations, have comfortable silences and whom you know you can count on in the event of anything. I have quite a number of such friends. Such gems. So yes, why be partners if you ain’t gonna have any physical intimacy? Good friends are pretty good too.

An interesting perspective also emerged from our discussion. People prefer partners who advance their life goals, i.e., career. That was never a consideration for me. If it was ever, i should have seek a partner from my field. But yes, i can see how it can be advantageous… especially if it’s mutually beneficial. [So bosses who marry their secretaries don't count as advantageous to me.] Much like arranged marriages between families of immense wealth and influence.

Anyway, my lamb is back. If either of us need to go away for a long time in future, i think we will certainly make plans to move together.

Missing you

I miss you more than i thought i would… and i thought i would miss you much.

May your work trip be exceedingly fruitful.

Marble Cake

Marble Cake

I have been dancing like a muppet from Sesame Street because i baked on a Saturday when i have lots of other things to do. [What's new anymore?] This time round, it was thoroughly cooked. My resident supporter, Lamb, told me “你成功了!” and gamely ate some of it. I am still trying to figure out how to make my cake taller and how to prevent cracks on its surface. If you know, do drop a word of advice!

And i am probably going to get a electric beater. Something that i can hold on to for a small bowl. If there’s one thing i hate, it’s beating butter and sugar. The butter typically gets stuck. =|

[Movie] Cats & Dogs

I feel sorry for Kitty Galore.
Who turned wrinkly, furless and evil [what better combination] because a dog chased her and she landed into a barrel of chemicals. Rejected and thrown out by owners who didn’t like her furless look, she ended up in the hands of Chunk the magician… who is set to abuse her in his ‘magic’ tricks.

Poor Kitty Galore. Poor evil Kitty Galore.
She needs counseling; not some serve-you-right ending.

Other than that, it’s a typical dog-cat saved the day kind of story. It’s not worth your time… Unless your partner chose it during a planned surprise-date [which was my case]. I spent most of the movie swooning over grey tabby Katherine, the secret cat agent from M.E.O.W.S…. Whatever that stands for. At least the movie has a happy ending. No dogs perished in insanity and no humans were enslaved.

Love is Healthy & Creative

Sometimes i wonder why partners would lament, “If you can stomach that from your ex, why can’t you let me do the same?” The inevitable question that flows from this, “Don’t you love me more?”

The answer is typically short and simple: I was naive.

There are 2 ways to learn – by experience or by other people’s experiences. Learning by experience was the dumber path. If i took it… and still do not learn in the process, what a fool that would make me!
And while we are at it, the question i would like to ask is: Why would you want to hurt your partner the same way her ex did? Being with someone stronger/wiser should be an asset, not a liability.

My show of love is not in whether i allow myself to be cut in the same place repeatedly.
My show of love is not blind endurance.
Love is not enduring infidelity. Love is not enduring abuse.
And i refused to accept any warped reasoning that tries to convince me otherwise.

Love should be Healthy.

Then there’s the other question:
“You did this and that for your ex; why didn’t you do this and that for me?”

How ridiculous it would be if i were to sit down and negotiate before getting together with anyone, “Now tell me what you did for your ex… i see… now i want them replicated in our relationship as a sign of your love for me.” No, i don’t want the same. I would want something special for me… because i believe i elicit better.

Love should be Creative.

Don’t tell me to “Do a dance for me.”
This reminds me of an ex.

Don’t ask me to “Write me reasons why you love me.”
This reminds me of an ex.

I do things that i have never done for anyone else for each partner. This is because in every phase of my life, there are things i enjoy doing, new skills i learn or hobbies i picked up. My resources/ability to bring things to past also increase over time. My love comes out of these things – because i enjoy them and my love for my partner is enjoyable for me.

Being fixated on the old will cause you to miss the new. Enjoy the love in your hands; not a love past… meant for someone else already out of my life.